And so another dear friend has passed away, and once more it falls to me to be the strong one, the clearinghouse through which all information must pass. It is an honour and a heartache that I cannot turn down. Her partner has no skill at this, and I would not see him suffer needlessly. And so…
I must take charge of some of her things, her music, her instruments. How can it be that her guitar has not unstrung itself in grief, and that it’s still fine, when she is not? How can the voice of my bandmate be still, when there are CDs with her on them, and when I can still hear and see her in my mind’s eye? I want her to still be here, her alive, sarcastic self, but her reality slips through my fingers like sand, like water, and I cannot work the spell that would breathe life into her again.
No more will we see that cocked eyebrow, that narrowed eye as she tells us that “one of us” is one note off in our harmony, and then listening to the cut once more before singling out the person and changing the note. No more smile and thumbs up from the other side of the stage. No more.
She has slipped away into the night, taken that boat across the grey waters to the Undying Lands. In grief, I will sing her home, for I will see her no more on this side of the veil. Another piece of my heart gone. At this rate, my chest will be empty long before I’m dust.
Posted in Death
Hard to believe that it’s been this long since I’ve posted something. I guess that Real Life just barrels along whether you want it to or not, eh? So much death in the past few years. I know that they say that the older you get, the more people you lose, but I’ve never found this to be true. I just lose people. I’ve had people dying my whole life, from the year I was born. And so many friends taking themselves out. I get as depressed as the next person, but, having seen what it does to the family and friends left behind, I could never take myself out. I couldn’t do it to them.
And then there is the casual cruelty of the internet. I try to be a good person, mainly. I have my failings, as we all do, but I do try. But there are so many utter and complete dicks out there. Frankly, I think that the anonymity of the internet breeds trolls. People who would never say things to your face have no problem spouting off the most vile, hateful drivel on the internet. And what for? Does it make their tiny little minds feel superior, to bash people that they don’t know? Are these the same people that pull wings off flies and torture ants? I don’t know, but I do think we’re breeding an entire generation of sociopaths.
Or at least feeling a bit like it. I’ve had death, plane rides, stranding in airports and sickness to contend with, but now, hopefully, I’ll feel more like writing and putting “pen to paper”. There’s always a lot to say, but not always time to put it down the way I’d like to.
Bear with me.
Ah, tear my heart out. Another friend has passed too soon. I will miss you, Badger. And though I’m sure you thought your death would affect no one, like a stone thrown in the water, the ripples run all the way to the far shore and back again. May you rest beyond the veil, may you be whole and happy again, and may you be with Steffan and all the rest that have gone before. And if there is indeed nothing like that after, then may you return to the star stuff you came from, sparkling in the night sky, just beyond the edge of sight.
Ave atque vale.
The biggest problem with people who are in that position, in that darkness of soul, is that their world looks no farther than themselves and their overwhelming pain. They cannot look beyond to see how much hurt they do to their larger circle of family and friends by proceeding on that path. Perhaps they believe that no one really cares, that everyone will be better off, but they’re lying to themselves for justification. We who are left behind are damaged by their actions. We grieve, we wonder if there was a sign, a something that we could have done, and there is such a ragged hole left by their departures.
Whew. Hard to believe that I’ve been to busy to be introspective. The good news is that the busy-ness is because of music: learning new music, rehearsing new and old music, performing, and recording is next. And on top of that, I’m doing art for my husband’s new CD, taxes, life just…gets…busy.
And yet, I enjoy the exercise of writing. It calms my mind and makes me slow down and think. So, I’ll try to be less of an absent writer.
Enjoy the day!
Gone. You’re just…gone. Gone from here, back to the star stuff from which you came. And I can’t see you, or hear you, or touch you. And yet, I know that you are there.
I smell your perfume in every summer breeze. I hear your laughter in wind chimes and bird song. Your eyes wink at me from the edge of sight through leaves. And your touch is in the wind, the grasses that caress my feet as I walk, the branches that bow down to my hand.
But it is still lonely without you. I still miss the unique, indefinable you. And so I will walk outside, and commune with you, holding you close in memory and in love, even as I let you loose to follow whatever destiny awaits on the other side of that veil.
Until we all return again.
There will never be another Today. So enjoy this precious, beautiful jewel of a day. Don’t sit in the dungeon of resentment. Don’t drown in the well of despair.
If you’re down, or ill, remember what you DO have: in family, whether it be friend, furred or blood, in the ability to comprehend what I’m writing, the breezes, the brightness of the day.
If you’ve lost someone, enjoy the day for them, and imagine the incredible pleasure that they would get, knowing that you’re doing something, enjoying something with them in mind.
Whether you go outside and breathe the air, or stay in savouring a lovely cuppa tea and a book, ENJOY THE DAY! Tell someone you love them, appreciate them, admire them.
There will never be another day just like today. ♥