Goodnight

Goodnight 
my one
my only 
true love 
The way 
you'd look at me
the tilt 
of your head 
I always knew 
how much 
you loved me
and 
I love you 
beyond the end 
of all things 
when the stars 
are cinders in an 
eternal night
I will still 
love you. 
Posted in Death, grief, longing, love | Leave a comment

Missing you

It's having no heart
and yet,
living
No spirit
and yet,
still breathing
No joy
and yet
putting one foot
before the other
I am
hollow
without
you.
Posted in grief, longing, Sorrow | Tagged , | Leave a comment

This Life

This is a life
I never wanted
for myself.
We lived
in each other's
pockets
and liked it
just
fine.
You were never
supposed
to go first.
I was never
supposed
to be left
on my own.
This is
uncharted territory
in a land
I never wanted 
to travel
alone.
I only hope
that
at the end
of it all
I find you
waiting
for me
smiling
and welcoming
me
home
to
your arms. 
Posted in Death, grief, longing, Sorrow | Leave a comment

Another Year

And it is
no
better.
Just
as
deep
a wound
unhealed
immediate
as
it
ever
was.
It's always
yesterday
It's always
today
It's always
now.
Posted in grief, longing | Leave a comment

Time Does Not Bring Relief









Time does not bring relief; you all have lied   
Who told me time would ease me of my pain!   
I miss him in the weeping of the rain;   
I want him at the shrinking of the tide;
The old snows melt from every mountain-side,   
And last year’s leaves are smoke in every lane;   
But last year’s bitter loving must remain
Heaped on my heart, and my old thoughts abide.   
There are a hundred places where I fear   
To go,—so with his memory they brim.   
And entering with relief some quiet place   
Where never fell his foot or shone his face   
I say, “There is no memory of him here!”   
And so stand stricken, so remembering him.
                             - Edna St. Vincent Millay
Posted in Death, grief | Leave a comment

Almost

Almost
4
years
And
nothing
has
changed.
It's just as deep
as bloody
a
wound
as the day
I
found
you
dead.
Every day
every night
is
full
of
tears.
And
all
I
want
is
what
I 
can't have
yet.
You
your arms.
Soon
please.
Posted in Death, grief, longing, love | Leave a comment

Miss you

I miss
the touch of you
my hands
my fingers
my lips
remember the feel
of your skin.
the sound of you
your laugh
your voice
your sleeping breath
it's hard to sleep
without it.
the taste of you
lip to lip.
the sight of you
your blue eyes
your smile
your beautiful self
my eyes crave the sight of you.
I 
miss
you.
Posted in grief, longing, love, Sorrow | Leave a comment

Then and Now

We met in 1982, when Steve walked into the old location of Murphy’s Pub. Evie and I were running the open mic. He was the prettiest man I ever saw, with a thousand watt smile, suspenders, creased jeans and a cap. He played and sang like an angel, and when he was done, he sat on the couch. I sat on the arm of said couch, and after we’d talked for a bit, he put his hand over his heart, looked up at me with those big blue eyes and asked if he could follow me home. I said no. My resolve lasted until two weeks later, when he came back.

We broke up in ’87, spent 16 years passing each other like ships in the night, and got back together in 2003. From that moment to the last, we weren’t apart a single night. If he went to the hospital, so did I. If there is a hereafter (and with all of the messages I get, how could I believe otherwise?), all I want out of it is to be with him again. All I ever wanted of Heaven is in his eyes, in his arms, in his kiss. And if, contrary to my (and others’) experiences, there’s nothing, then my starstuff will be with his, and I’ll still be content. I hope I don’t have to wait long. I’m gutted without him. Lost.

I love you, my Stephen John Patrick Lalor, beyond the rings of the world, ’til every star burns out, and after that. Goodnight, love of all my lives. I miss you more every day.

Posted in longing, love, Sorrow | Leave a comment

Lost

If 
you
have not
lost
your
soulmate
then
you 
do not
understand.
The way
hearts beat
in time
How life
was
a
seemingly 
endless
harmony
How
hands
and
lips
and
bodies
and
minds
and
hearts
just
fit
just
right.
If
you
have not
lost
your
soulmate
then
you
cannot
understand
that
without him
I
am
lost.
Posted in grief, longing, love, Sorrow | Leave a comment

Musings

I have lived
countless
eternities
in the
three years
since
you
died
And yet
it is
always
yesterday
always
today
always
now.
Posted in Death, grief, longing, Sorrow | Leave a comment