Midnight miss yous

In the still 
of the night, 
when all the world 
holds its breath
for a moment, 
between the flights 
of stars,
of angels, 
I miss you, 
my love.

I remember

I remember
everything
your
hand
in
mine
your
lips 
on
mine
My hands
remember
you
Every
muscle
every
bone
your
cheek
My lips
remember
you
Lip
to
lip
to
skin
to
beard
to
chest
My ears
remember
your 
laugh
your
'I love you'
your
pleasure
My heart
remembers
yours
beating 
against it,
skin to skin
mind to mind
My soul
remembers
yours
remembers
you
and
I long
for that
reunion
I live
in loss
without
you
I long
to
make
new
memories
with
you.

Perspective

I'm not
much
of
a
people person,
really,
but
I
would burn
the
world
down
for 
five
more
minutes
in
your
arms.

And more

I
thought
I
couldn't
grieve
deeper
than I have
been
flayed 
open
to the heart
gutted
to 
the 
bone
to
the
soul
of
me
but
I
was
wrong.
My
mother
just
died
All
those
calls
since
my love
passed
checking
on
me
worrying
that
I
got
home
okay
that
I
was
still
alive.
Gone.
Like
her.
Like
Steve.
Like
I wish
I
was.
Just
gone.

Going on without you isn’t living

It’s about putting one foot in front of the other, because I have to. Because there’s no one to do any of this but me. But oh, my love, I miss you. I miss that shoulder to lean against, your quiet strength.

The breaker’s blown and won’t show up ’til Thursday. The sink is clogged and I don’t have money for a plumber. And I need new back stairs. I need to finish my property tax exemption and no time. Mum doesn’t want to get out of bed any more and I don’t know what to do about that. And her lawn needs mowing, and Dad’s van needs selling, but it’s dead and needs to be charged. And there’s a garage and a houseful of stuff that needs going through and there’s no time. And worse, no you.

I miss you, my love.

Rain

The rain
is
a curtain 
of
silver
in
the
streetlights
A
hush
of rain
sheeting 
all the
road
And
all
through
it
makes
the sound
of
hush
In
that
hush
I hear
the
beating
of
my
heart
and
the
silence
where
yours
should
be
I
miss
you
so
in
the
rain

Quarantine

I see all of these people, stressed and exhausted from a few weeks of quarantine. Welcome to my world. Remember when you (and remember, this is a generic you, I am absolutely not singling anyone out here. In fact, I probably already blocked them) said I needed to get on with my life, move on, be happy? Yeah. Well this, what you’re going through now? The mourning, the stress, the exhaustion, the sleepless nights. That’s been my life since Steve died. The good news for you is that, at some point, quarantine will be over. For you.

Ten thousand kisses

I'm just
blowing
kisses
at
the 
stars
tonight,
hoping
that 
you
get them
and 
know
how much
I
love
you

Musings

As I sit here in isolation, I have lots of time to think.

The world, life, have always been full of all sorts of reasons to be sad. BUT, you know, when Steve was alive, we didn’t have time to be sad. We felt so incredibly blessed to have each other at last, that we didn’t want to waste a single second on being sad. So we didn’t. We cherished every single golden moment. And when the news was all full of pain, we turned it off. We watched a movie, watched a sunset, walked the dog and we reveled in the fact that we had each other.

It wasn’t just that we had enough, it was that we had everything. And that’s what makes it so hard now. I firmly believe that I’ll be with him again, and that’s what keeps me hanging on, not wanting to screw it up.

We all have to play the hand we’re dealt, but you need to appreciate the people in your lives, those priceless jewels of time. They can slip through your fingers like sand. We didn’t let that happen. Don’t you let it.

Waiting for You

"Your soul is my anchor
I never asked to be freed
Well, sleep now, sleep now
Take as long as you need
Cause I’m just waiting for you
Waiting for you
To return"

I'll wait as long as I have to sweetie. Hope it's soon.
I love you. I miss you. Goodnight, baby.